Monday, September 26, 2011


Folks, I'm struggling.
I'm struggling with my health and my self-image. 
Since my surgery, my body has changed in so many ways. 
If you're a guy or squimish...move on because I'm going to lay it all out.

I have a scar that goes from hip to hip. 
I have a 2 scars above that.
2 more below that.
I have a scar over my belly button. 
I have a scar over my right breast.

Since my surgery, I cough constantly. I'm on about 11 medications. 
Steroids, inhalers, reflux medications, cough name it.

I'm a mess.
I don't feel pretty or sexy.
I don't want my husband to see my body.
My hormones are out-of-whack.
I'm emotional.
I'm short-tempered.
I cry sometimes.
I look at all my scars and I want to cry....and often do.

I've gained weight because I've not had the strength to exercise since May.
I make excuses to not exercise even a little. Even though I could.
My clothes don't fit and often hurt my scars.

This weekend my husband gave me an extremely genuine and thoughtful compliment.
I dismissed him. Said it wasn't true.
He looked hurt and said, "Do you honestly think I'd lie to you?" 
Wow. Eye-opening.

So how do you get past an illness or surgery?
I know it takes time physically, 
but emotionally--how do you get past what your body has gone through?


  1. Just wanted to tell you that I think it will get better. Listen to your husband, he sounds like a smart man. Be sure to take some time for yourself as well, it is amazing how a little "me" time can recharge your feelings of self-worth.

  2. First of all, pray. Secondly, remember that you are not loved for your red hair, your decorating sense, or your fabulous wardrobe. We don't like you because of the car you drive or the house you live in. You were not chosen to be a wife simply because you were a size 0. God made you perfect for who you are on the inside. He gave you a beautiful vessel to live in until we all get new bodies in Heaven. You are loved for your heart and soul, nothing more. Hormones can wreak havoc on you. I use bio-identical hormones and feel better. I have a feeling most of this is hormone driven, but I do understand that you are not the same on the outside. Shine from the inside. Be happy about all the great things and people around you. Let God work on you for a while. Maybe He is working on you within. Meanwhile, buy comfy clothes and dazzling shoes! Show your girls how to persevere! You are WAY more than just a pretty face!

  3. I love you D. You are an amazingly strong woman. Your strength, humor, determination, power, and loving heart get me through my weeks. We are all allowed our days and down moments. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met inside and out. I wish I could hug your right now I miss you so much. You are my role model.

  4. I'm so sorry to hear that you are still in pain from your surgery. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but for me I just can't think about what I can't change. Every time I catch myself getting upset, I put it out of my mind and switch gears. Avoidance is not as good as acceptance, but distraction is my friend lately. Day by day, I know it will get better. And if you ever need to laugh, those girls of yours sure seem hilarious!

  5. This is something I have struggled with so much myself. I had major spine surgery back in 2000 and again in January. Between that and other surgeries I've had I have often battled feeling self conscious or embarrassed. I can't remember where I first read about it but the idea of loving my body AS IT IS - not skinnier or smoother skinned or taller - but to view it as signs of all my body has overcome and how strong it is.
    This is an INSANELY unclear comment, but just trying to say it's something I've dealt with some and am here if you ever need an ear.

  6. The present might be tough, but time really does heal all. Regardless of the things you've gone through since the surgery, your heart is the same. You are still the same awesome lady you were before, and this is just a season. I totally agree with Ms. Daisy- Make sure you are taking care of you! As Mommas it's so easy to let yourself get pulled through the day going through the motions, making sure it all gets done. Make yourself a priority... It only makes for a better mama, wife, friend. Praying for ya girl.

  7. Can't offer any advice, but can offer a good thought and a prayer, and hopefully a cocktail next month! xo

  8. Oh boy, this one hit home for me.

    When I was 11 months old I pulled a cup of piping hot coffee (from the stove)down on my right arm and suffered some pretty horrible looking 3rd degree burns from it. Back then, the surgeries weren't as hi-tech so my scars and skin grafts did not heal well. I am constantly worried about someone seeing them or thinking of me differently. It's hard to be a woman and be scarred. But my husband thinks nothing of it. In my mind, he has to say nice things b/c we're married but he doesn't see it that way. He completely looks past it and acts as if it doesn't even exist. He says there is so much more to me than a scar. And that's the truth. We just have to see that too! And some days I do but other days are hard.

    I hope you can see past your scars and to the beauty within! You are a wonderful momma, wife and have so many other attributes than a few scars :)

  9. i've seen you in person and you are beautiful inside and out!

  10. Wow, my heart goes out to you during this hard time. At difficult as it may seem sometimes, remember all the wonderful people that are around you and the events you have overcome that gave you those scars when they get you down. :)) Hugs and thoughts for you!!

  11. I've been reading your blog for a long time, but don't often comment...but I just want to say that I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with your health and self-image right now! Its got to be so hard going through such a huge change. I can relate a little as I had my second child 5 months ago and am struggling with my body image too right now. You're beautiful, and you're health -- both mentally and physically is paramount. I agree with Daisy -- some "me" time would probably do you wonders!

  12. I am sorry. This sounds hard. I admire you for being so honest. I hope you will get past this. My guess is it will just take some time.

  13. Thank you all for your kind words. I am SO appreciative of you taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. Yesterday was a particularly difficult day, and I probably shouldn't have written and posted so quickly. I had some emotional diarrhea goin' on. LOL. Again....a sincere thank you. XOXO

  14. I am so, so sorry you're dealing with this. I have obviously never been there so I can't imagine how you feel. I had surgery last year and have scars on my abdomen that it took me a while to get past. The pain from my minimal surgery was fierce so I can only imagine how you feel. I do have to say, that just from reading your blog, you are such a strong person and an amazing mom. You will totally get through this. I'll be praying for you..

  15. I hope you feel better soon. I follow you on twitter and have read your blog for a while, and I know you are a loving mother and a beautiful woman. Holy cow you are gorgeous! But, I think all women feel this way at one time or another. Thank you for being willing to share your insecurity with us through your blog. I hope you find peace with yourself and your altered body. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. xoxo

  16. Thanks again for your sweet comments. I am extremely grateful for each of you!! XOXO