Friday, October 30, 2009

Bye Dear Friend

I try not to write sad blog posts or make a big deal of personal issues, but right now there's no getting around it. You see, I have those lovely 2-3 week menstrual periods EVERY month, especially after having children. I feel so bad all the time and I'm just ready for it to stop. I was told a few years back that a hysterectomy was in my future, but at the time I thought, "I'm only 35. That's for old women." If this is TMI, I'd suggest moving on, because this is a crazy hormonal lady talking.

My day to day life is affected by this. I went to get Halloween candy at Wal-Mart and spent half the time in the bathroom with a WHOLE roll of paper towels. Yes, a whole roll. I keep a change of clothes with me most days because of this. I ALWAYS wear black pants or dark jeans. I feel soooo tired and feel like I can't give my family the best that I have. I've already had 2 C-sections, so I don't know why this is so scary to me.

I thought a lot yesterday about my reservations with having the surgery, and all you mothers out there can relate.....

~I don't want to give up the place where life started for my 2 girls~

~I don't want to give up the place where life ended
for my 2 other babies that I never got to hold and love~

~I don't want to give up the place where my girls grew and I could feel them move inside of me~

~I remember holding my tummy when I was pregnant, & thinking, "I'll never be this physically close to my babies like this again."~

~I'm so afraid that I will feel less of a woman.~

~Even though we're 99.99% sure we're through having children, that 0.01% to be able to change our minds in forever gone.

~I worry how I'm going to take care of my family when I do this and how is it going to inconvenience them.~

I know those reasons may seem silly or you may say, "If you feel this bad, and you know you're going to feel better, what are you waiting for?" I ask myself the same thing. Maybe it's my crazy hormones that makes me think these things....but the point is, I feel this way. Not even my family knows these feelings. My mother doesn't even know that this is going to happen (she has her own health issues right now).

So anyway....I just had to get this out. I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer. If any of you have had similar experiences and have a tidbit of advice, please share. I'm grasping for anything right now. With much love.......


  1. I am thinking about you! All those reasons are so valid. It is a scary things not knowing how it will feel to be without that part. I hope you can get some wonderful advice from women who have been through this.

    LOVE YOU! and Im praying for you!

  2. Hey pretty girl!!! You will be in my thoughts this weekend. And hey, everybody reserves the right to be a debbie downer when they need to=) Not only does my Mum have thyroid cancer, but she also has fibroids. It makes her have similar symptoms as what you've described. So, I know what you're going through somewhat. She has the same fears you do. But rest assure, this too will pass. *big hugs*

  3. You are totally valid in having those thoughts! I think the majority of women would feel that way in your situation.

    I've been praying for you since you tweeted. He will take care of you, the girls and L!

    Hugs to you sweet lady!


  4. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I finally felt compelled to comment. This kind of problem runs in my family. My aunt and cousin had hysterectomies before they were 40 years old. It is a sad time for all the reasons you mentioned but it really changes your whole life for the better. It's a tough decision, you are in my prayers. I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your family!

  5. Sweet friend. I'll keep you in my prayers. I can totally relate to your fears and reservations. I have had a rough time for 4 months since the baby came and more female surgeries are in my future. Nothing like what you're going through though. Anyway... I'll be praying for all of you as you make your decision and figure out the right thing for your family.

  6. I am so sorry that you even have to deal with this right now. But the O.R. nurse in me needs to tell you that it will be alright. My advice is to request a Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy. I think that you should be able to keep your ovaries and cervix. This surgery is so minimally invasive you will be amazed. The surgeon that I assist in these procedures had it done herself and was back at work 3 days later. If your GYN doesn't perform the LSH then I would seriously find another Dr in your area who does.

  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your reasoning make so much sense to me. It is where life started for your babies, but be thankful you have them here with you. You are not less of a woman, you will be stronger for experiencing this. My thoughts and prayers are with you

  8. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not a mother (yet), but I hope to be one day and I can still understand every one of your reasons. I'm praying for you and your family.

  9. Thank you so much for your prayers and comments. I really hesitated to post this, but I'm glad I did. I've had many women say they've had similar experiences or that they understand why I feel this way. This is one of the reasons I started a way to connect with other women. I'm becoming more and more at peace with my decision, especially today. I hope I'm up to the task of trick-or-treating tonight with walking, etc. I want my girls to not have memories of me "feeling bad" all the time.

    Thank you all so much!!! You are such a blessing!

  10. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! I never want to be the one to give advice because number 1, I don't know your full stor and #2, not everyone always needs it....they just want to talk their feelings out. So, that being said, you're in my thoughts and prayers! xoxo

  11. Dear Friend-your reasons are extremely valid!!
    My sister had the laproscopic procedure done and in no time was back to work--I understand your hesitation--we never want the decision to have more children to be taken away from us...pray without ceasing --xoxoxoxoxox

  12. Did you ask your dr. about an endometrial ablation? I have very similar problems, am only a year older than you and this is the direction my dr. recommended...just wondering if you've heard and/or considered it?

  13. Cori, I did. That's still a possibility. The problem is that I don't have endometriosis, I have adenomyosis and a fibroid. Apparently, with adenomyosis, the problem lies deeper than what the ablation can take care of, so I'll more than likely end up with a hysterectomy in the next five yrs. I've heard about 75% good reports from women having the ablation, and the other 25% still had issues. Thanks for stopping by!!!