Bye Dear Friend

I try not to write sad blog posts or make a big deal of personal issues, but right now there's no getting around it. You see, I have those lovely 2-3 week menstrual periods EVERY month, especially after having children. I feel so bad all the time and I'm just ready for it to stop. I was told a few years back that a hysterectomy was in my future, but at the time I thought, "I'm only 35. That's for old women." If this is TMI, I'd suggest moving on, because this is a crazy hormonal lady talking.

My day to day life is affected by this. I went to get Halloween candy at Wal-Mart and spent half the time in the bathroom with a WHOLE roll of paper towels. Yes, a whole roll. I keep a change of clothes with me most days because of this. I ALWAYS wear black pants or dark jeans. I feel soooo tired and feel like I can't give my family the best that I have. I've already had 2 C-sections, so I don't know why this is so scary to me.

I thought a lot yesterday about my reservations with having the surgery, and all you mothers out there can relate.....

~I don't want to give up the place where life started for my 2 girls~

~I don't want to give up the place where life ended

for my 2 other babies that I never got to hold and love~

~I don't want to give up the place where my girls grew and I could feel them move inside of me~

~I remember holding my tummy when I was pregnant, & thinking, "I'll never be this physically close to my babies like this again."~

~I'm so afraid that I will feel less of a woman.~

~Even though we're 99.99% sure we're through having children, that 0.01% to be able to change our minds in forever gone.

~I worry how I'm going to take care of my family when I do this and how is it going to inconvenience them.~

I know those reasons may seem silly or you may say, "If you feel this bad, and you know you're going to feel better, what are you waiting for?" I ask myself the same thing. Maybe it's my crazy hormones that makes me think these things....but the point is, I feel this way. Not even my family knows these feelings. My mother doesn't even know that this is going to happen (she has her own health issues right now).

So anyway....I just had to get this out. I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer. If any of you have had similar experiences and have a tidbit of advice, please share. I'm grasping for anything right now. With much love.......